Dear J,
Congratulations on your appointment as team lead. It’s always fascinating to see what passes for qualifications these days. While some of us spent years building trust, solving problems, and actually running the place in practice, it turns out the real secret to success is walking in off the street with just the right smile and the right friend in the right place. Who knew?
You must be very proud. Not everyone can bypass hard work, dodge accountability, and still land a leadership role. It’s a rare talent—though I suppose “talent” might be a generous word. Your distinct approach to teamwork, your uncanny ability to always be nearby when no one wants you around, and your flair for doing the bare minimum while taking full credit… it’s truly something to behold.
Of course, the rest of us will be here—doing the work, fixing the mistakes, and pretending not to notice how little you actually understand about what goes on day to day. But please, take your victory lap. You’ve earned… well, something, I guess.
Enjoy your undeserved station. Just know respect isn’t included with the title—and it’s a little harder to fake than leadership.
All the best,
The One Who Actually Earned It
1.7562 Billion Miles 