H,
Man, I’ve been procrastinating writing this letter for years. In my mind, you were always untouchable. Not because you’re above reproach – quite the contrary in fact – however, criticism of you reflects negatively on me. What kind of person am I if I still have dealings with you, despite any negative feelings I have?
I remember a time when I couldn’t wait to talk you, and hang out. I remember the two year stretch of time when you were away. I missed you, and anxiously awaited our brief calls. We would talk about things we wanted to do when you finally came back.
And the entire time you were gone, I always thought that things would be the same as before you left. They weren’t though – you weren’t.
The first truly cruel thing you said to me, hurt of course, but I didn’t think you’d continue to talk to me like that.
You did.
So many volatile words, so much hate in your voice. A tiny thing triggers you, and it’s zero to sixty so quickly. You spit venom, and leave me broken.
I’ve often thought about cutting you from my life, but you’ve been a part of it for so long.
You’re not always an asshole. I’ve laughed with you, cried with you, and shared some of my darkest secrets with you. You’re my best friend. It’s an odd sort of conundrum.
You are one of the only people in my life that can hurt me so badly.
As I sit here, writing this, I can’t figure out what to do about you. Some days, I can’t stand the sight of you, but sometimes, you say or do something that reminds me of why you’re my friend.
I love you. I hate you.
I don’t know what to do. When I think of not having you in my life, I get anxious. Truth is, few know me as well you do. I rely on you more than I should. It kills me that I feel like I need you in my life.
I guess, for now, you’re going to be a part of my life. However, maybe one day, I will have enough of you, and send you away.
Secretly, I sometimes hope that day comes sooner, rather than later.
Until then, I love you, you toxic fuck.
1.7562 Billion Miles 